The Voices Inside
by BetterThanCoffee
Summary: Steven has been feeling insecure, knowing that he could never compare to his mother. Sometimes, he thinks that no matter how much the gems love him, they will always love Rose more. He always pushed those thoughts to the side, until one day, they bubble over. (Has a happy ending!)


Of course Steven loved his mother. That wasn't even a question. Growing up, he had heard so many tales of the compassionate Rose Quartz; how she was kind to all creatures, and yet powerful enough to fight for what she believed in. Garnet would softly stroke Steven's hair, reminiscing on how Rose was the first person in the entire universe to accept her for who she truly is. Amethyst would pound Steven on the back, roughing him up to hide how misty-eyed she got when explaining how it was Rose who pulled her out of the kindergarten, lost, alone, and so confused. His dad would go on tangents on her beauty and grace, before scribbling out his soliloquy for lyrics to a new song that popped in his head when reminded of his greatest love. Pearl's eyes would go distance, before answering in a heart-breaking, brittle tone, "She gave me my freedom." The gems and his father always made sure he was raised on stories on how spectacular his mother was, watching as her memory both hurt and revived his loved ones. Rose Quartz was very near and dear to Steven's heart, but sometimes, he hated her.

Her serene figure forever immortalized in paint hanging on his wall, looking over his every action, was a reminder of everything he was not. Steven was not as strong or powerful. He was not as wise as his mother, nor did he have her inherent leadership abilities. The boy barely had a hold on his powers, while his mother had made nations rise and fall with just a smirk on her perfectly-primed lips. Everyone knew he could not live up to his mother's glory, and yet the gems were all polite enough to not point it out. Steven would never be able to be Rose, but he didn't hate her for that. He hated her for what she did to the others.

Steven could never quite figure out why Rose would give up millenniums of memories just so she could give birth to a half-baked gem. Steven also knew that the others could never figure it out, either. Sometimes, when the boy would ask a question of his heritage, something that was so obvious and simple to the gems, he could see a quick flash across their faces, as if saying, 'Why are you here?' When his shield would flicker out, or his healing spit failed to revive, he could practically hear the cries of, 'Why aren't you Rose?' Rose's decision to give up her body to bring Steven to life left the gems stranded. Steven didn't make the decision to be born, and yet, he knew they blamed him.

Don't get him wrong, Steven knew Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst loved him. Of that, he had no doubt. The gems made sure to never leave Steven for wanting anything, giving him the best childhood a kid for ask for. He knew that to the gems, Rose was perfect, and that just plain, old Steven would never compare. Steven knew it was unfair to think these thoughts, and pushed them to the back of his mind, yet as he grew older, the thoughts festered, and continued to grow, whispering to him, entangling him in its grasp, pointing out every flaw and failure.

 _You know,_ the sinister voices would chuckle, _this would be easy for Rose._

When the gems got cornered by a rogue gem-shard cluster, they teased, _Look at them scramble. Look at them fight. How does it feel, knowing that you are the reason they will lose?_

When Pearl would cry for Steven to draw his shield: _Are you even trying?_

When Amethyst begged for Steven to stretch just a bit further: _This wouldn't be a problem for Rose._

When Garnet encouraged him to use his healing spit: _How many people must be hurt because you're here?_

With every night Greg spent isolated in his van: _He will always be alone without Rose._

Yet, no matter what vitriol the voices would spin, Steven never let them to the surface. He knew they were baseless insecurities. The gems loved him, but they loved Rose more. Steven did not even want to think about what his group of surrogate-moms would look like if he ever revealed he knew the truth. Would they look guilty, or just resigned? A part of him was curious, but an even bigger, selfish part of him never wanted to find out, so he kept it a secret. The funny thing about secrets, though, is that they never stay silent.

The Crystal Gems were not having a good day. They had a run-in with Jasper, and she had thoroughly kicked their asses. Stumbling off the warp pad, bruised and spirits low, Pearl immediately whipped around, face tight with anger.

"Steven, what was that out there?"

Steven had not been getting much sleep. The voices plagued his dreams, contorting into nightmarish figures of his mother, blaming him for every indiscretion, always stating, _'I wish you had never been born.'_ As a result, Steven hadn't even been able to summon any of his powers, even his bubble, which he had long ago mastered, leaving him defenseless. The gems were forced to abandon their plan on trying to capture Jasper, and instead had to protect the boy, leading them to flea, defeated.

"I'm sorry," Steven stammered, "I, I just-"

"I know you're young," Pearl continued on, exasperated, "but even at fourteen, your mother had full control of her capabilities."

"Pearl," Garnet sharply reprimanded.

"No, Garnet," Pearl bit out. "Today, Steven was a liability. If he is to come on missions with us, we have to trust that he has our back."

Garnet crossed her arms, but did not refute Pearl's statement.

"Uh, look dude," Amethyst started, resting her purple hand on Steven's shoulder. "Maybe you're blocked up. You got to trust in Rose's gem, yo."

The voices started to boil over, ripping apart Steven's mind. _Worthless. Useless. A liability. NOT. ROSE._

Steven smacked Amethyst's hand away, "Well, I am not my mom!"

Pearl pinched the bridge of her nose, "Trust me, Steven, we know."

Steven felt like all the air had been sucked out of his body. They didn't need him. They didn't WANT him. What they wanted was Rose, and no matter how much Steven trained, that was the one thing he could never be.

 _That's right, run away,_ the voices snarled as Steven blindly fled the temple. _Why would they want a sniveling little boy around, anyway?_

 _Leave._

 _Just leave, and never come back._

 _They would be happier._

 _Without you._

Steven's feet sunk into the sand as his tears marred his vision, blurring out the sun setting over the ocean. He just wanted to escape any reminders of what he was not. He ran for what felt like days, his legs burning with exertion, and yet refusing to still. By the time he found himself in front of the barn, the sun had sank below the horizon.

"Steven?" Peridot called out, astonished, her face illuminated in the blue-glow of the television. "What brings you here?"

Steven sunk to his knees, wailing, "They don't want me anymore!"

"Peridot, turn that damn thing off." Lapis flew down from the rafters, before wrapping one thin arm around the shuddering child. "Steven, what's going on? Are you okay?"

"What did those clods do this time?" Period chimed in, resting on Steven's other side.

"No matter what I do, I keep messing up. They want my mom, but instead, they're stuck with me. I try so hard, but I'll never be my mom!"

"Why would you want to be?" Peridot tipped her head in confusion.

"What?" Steven snuffled, wiping his runny nose on his arm. Lapis' cool arm tightened its grip around his shoulders.

"While I don't doubt Rose Quartz was powerful," Peridot explained, "She wasn't even the only Quartz on your team. You're the only Steven in the whole universe. Why give that up to just be a Quartz?"

"You don't understand," Steven said miserably.

"Perhaps not," Lapis spoke gently, "but we never met Rose Quartz. To be honest, I'm glad I never did. Look at all the things you accomplished that she could not. If you weren't here, I would still be trapped in that mirror, forced to look upon things that I do not wish to. Rose never wanted to meet me, heal me, or even learn about me. She just used me."

"And I would have probably been obliterated!" Peridot popped up, eager to cheer up the boy who saved her, and opened up an entirely new world.

 _But Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst will never love you like they loved Rose._

"It doesn't matter," Steven said glumly. "To them, I'm just a reminder that Rose is gone.

Peridot shot Lapis a look over Steven's head. They were going to take care of this.

Peridot cleared her throat. "Steven, why don't you go play with that human friend of yours. Eat some of those detestable fry bits. We will fix this."

"There's nothing to fix."

"Steven, please," Lapis pleaded.

Steven sighed, before slowly trudging out of the barn. It felt as if there as if the whole world was ending. It felt like he would never see any of the gems again. 'They love you,' Steven tried to remind himself.

 _Do they, though? They seemed pretty pissed off this afternoon._

'I made a mistake!'

 _A mistake that Rose would have never made, and now, because of you, Jasper is still loose._

'I didn't mean to!'

 _Do you really think they could love an abomination like you? Some half-gem that can't even do the one thing he's made for?_

 _'_ But-but they love me! Don't they?'

 _Ha! They loved Rose. Now she's gone, and you're the one wearing her gem._

Steven, who had been wandering around, found himself outside of The Big Donut. He had so many great memories there; in fact, all of Beach City was full of memories, but that was all because of the gems.

 _Do you really think there is anything left for you here?_

Steven dug his phone out of his pocket, staring at the picture that he and Connie had taken together on the beach. They looked so peaceful together, but could he really retain that? Could Steven really be happy without the Crystal Gems? Could he look at anything in this town without being reminded of them? Unlocking his phone, he called Connie, dialing her number by memory, if only to delay the inevitable conversation.

* * *

Peridot stormed into the temple, dragging Lapis behind her, startling the three Crystal Gems who were holding congress in the kitchen. "Steven has come to me in distress. As I have been spending that last several weeks studying conflict resolution through the human television, I believe I have a solution."

"...What?" Amethyst asked, as Pearl and Garnet stared blankly at the two newest members of their team.

"We are having an intervention! I have brought Lapis Lazuli along to moderate." At Peridot's declaration, Lapis let out a sigh.

Many miles away, Connie clutched her phone in her hands, her knuckles turning white. "Steven, what are you saying? The gems love you."

"No, they love Rose Quartz."

Connie fiddled with her fake-glasses nervously, going over sword-fighting stances in her head to keep herself from panicking. "So what are you planning on doing."

"I don't know. Maybe get out of Beach City."

"But Steven," Connie's voice wavered, "you can't leave! What would I do without you? You're my best friend."

Steven remained silent, unsure of how to respond. The empty boardwalk echoed with his footsteps. He could hear the hitches in Connie's voice as she tried to stifle her tears. "Maybe," she started slowly, "maybe you could stay with me. It'd be like a sleep over, but all the time."

Steven huffed out an attempt of a laugh. "Maybe."

Connie tossed off her frames to wipe the tears from her face. Even if she no longer needed them, having them resting on her face comforted her. They reminded her of the best and most fabulous first friend a girl could ever have. "Will you at least go and talk to the gems?"

"Connie..."

"You can't leave without saying goodbye, Steven."

Back at the temple, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl stared in shocked-silence at a smug-looking Peridot and a serious Lapis.

Pearl's hands trembled as they clutched at her chest. "Steven...Steven doesn't think we love him?"

"No," Garnet said, a tear slipping out from behind her glasses. "He thinks we regret his existence."

Amethyst growled, before punching the floor, splintering the wood.

Peridot anxiously looked back and forth between the distraught gems. "While we would be happy to accept Steven into our barn-"

"He's not going anywhere!" Pearl interrupted.

"As I was SAYING," Peridot shot Pearl a withering look, "While we would be happy to accept Steven, I believe it would not be beneficial for the state of his well-being."

"Where's Steven now? Is he back at the barn?" Amethyst asks.

Peridot waved her hand, "I sent him off to play with his friend."

"You let him LEAVE?" Pearl shrieked. "What if he never comes back? What if he's cold? Or hurt?"

"He's already hurt," Garnet gritted out between her teeth, the muscle in her jaw jumping.

Just as the gems started clamoring together to go on a manhunt, the door opened.

"Steven!" All five gems cried out.

"Uh, hi," Steven scratched the back of his head. "Well, not hi. I was just here to say-"

"Do not finish that sentence, Steven Quartz Universe," Garnet demanded.

"But I-"

"No more talking," the fusion said firmly. "Just listen."

Pearl flung herself at Steven, wrapping herself around the small boy. "Steven, I am so sorry! I never wanted to make you feel like you aren't wanted."

"Yeah, dude," Amethyst joined in what was now becoming a group hug. "You're the coolest guy I have ever met. You can't leave me with these squares."

Garnet knelt down, prying the boy out from Pearl's and Amethyst's grasp. Garnet lowered her sunglasses to look him straight in the eye and placed her hands on his shoulders, "No one could replace Rose, but we wouldn't want you to. You're irreplaceable, Steven. No one could take your place in our hearts. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to us. I never wanted you to feel inferior. Yes, we loved Rose. She was our leader and friend. But Steven, you are so much more than that."

Steven leaned into Garnet's embrace, feeling Pearl, Amethyst, Lapis, and Peridot come join around him.

"I know things are different back on Homeworld," Garnet whispered, rustling the hair curling around Steven's ears, "but here on Earth, you have given us something Homeworld Gems can never have – a family. Before, we were just colleagues: warriors fighting the same fight. You brought us together to what we are now. Rose didn't do that, you did."

Steven could no longer hear the voices, and he doubted that they were gone completely, but for now, they were silent, drowned out by the love surrounding him from his family. Tears slipped down his face, but he let them run. They were happy tears. For the first time in awhile, Steven was confident that he had found his place.

A warm, feminine voice swirled through his thoughts, as sweet as a song. _You are loved._

The corners of Steven's lips lifted up. _I know._

A/N: Not really happy with this (not at all), but I haven't written in forever, so there's that excuse. Oh well!


End file.
